Zebra Tears Read online

  “Oh, please don’t!” I screamed inside my head. He started moving his fingers in my private parts and stuck them into places I didn’t even know I had! He dropped my head onto the pillow, finally letting me breathe, but he didn’t stop with my body. I closed my eyes and thought I had to get up and run away fast. I thought, Why is this happening to me? What did I do to make him do this? What would Elaine think if she woke up and saw Erick touching me in my private parts? I had to force myself to move.

  I remembered the girls on the train when they had to run to the bookstand and back. Ready, set, and go! I pulled away from his hand, which felt as though I was being ripped apart. “Hurry, hurry,” I repeated in my mind as I dashed over the bed rail and ran to the bathroom. I stood there, pushing on the door from the inside even though I had locked it, wondering if he had followed me there. My ear was at the door to listen for any sound, but all I heard was my heart beating. I stayed at the door until I had calmed my heart and felt sure no one was approaching.

  I held the door with one hand while I turned on the light. I looked at myself in the mirror over the sink, but it wasn’t me. The face that looked back was so ugly. Her wet hair was stuck to her face in a grotesque way. Her lips were swollen to twice the normal size, and her eyes were red from the tears that were now gushing forth, leaving nothing of the face she remembered.

  I finally let go of the door and went closer to the mirror. I moved the hair away from my face and carefully touched my numb lips. I looked into my eyes and saw this horrid, angry, and very scared little girl. All I could think was, “What have you done?” I wanted to smash the mirror so I’d never have to look at her again. I looked around and saw the bathtub. I went to the door and listened. Not a sound. I opened the door and peeked around the room. No one was in sight. I stepped outside, tiptoeing to the bedroom.

  The bathroom light made the other rooms visible, allowing me to notice the three figures on the bed. Elaine had turned toward Erick, with her arm over little Johnny. He, on the other hand, was on his back with one arm across his chest and the other over my pillow. I wondered if anything really happened. It looked so normal with the three of them lying there. I went back to the bathroom and locked it once more. This time I didn’t look in the mirror. I turned on the water to gently drip and plugged it with the stopper. My pajamas smelled so nasty, and the clown faces seemed to be laughing at me. I tore them off and sat in the filling tub. The water was cold, but it felt so good to my burning flesh. I must have sat in the tub for quite a while when I noticed little drops of blood floating back and forth on the bottom. I reached out and touched them, but they moved away from my finger and seemed to melt, blending into the water. Maybe if I scrub real hard, all that had happened would come off; it might also erase my memory of earlier tonight.

  My insides felt like they were on fire. I felt so alone that I started crying again, yet making sure not to make a sound. My thoughts drifted to Anna. I wonder what she would say if I told her. She would probably never love me again if I did, and what about Jesus at Communion? How could He have let this happen, especially when He said He would always be with me. I should have said my prayers before going to bed, and maybe He would have stayed with me to protect me. It’s all my fault for not thinking of Him, so that’s why He left me alone to let this happen. I could never tell Mummy. She would be so angry with me for messing up this wonderful family that she loved. I realized that I could never tell anyone. I don’t know what I had done, but it sure made me feel so bad.

  I splashed upright with fright when there was a knock on the door. I thought, “Oh, God, please don’t let it be him. I don’t want him to touch me again. Please, God.” I was on my knees in the tub with my hand on my mouth so as not to make a sound. Elaine called my name and asked if I was going to be much longer. I took a couple of deep breaths and said, “I’m finished.” I pulled up the plug to let the water drain and wrapped myself in a towel. I poked my head out the door and saw Elaine standing there holding Johnny. I asked her if she could please hand me some clean clothes from my suitcase, and she smiled and walked out of the room.

  I shut the door and again pressed my ear to the door. I heard her coming back and unlocked the door once more. She placed my clothes on a chair outside the bathroom and told me I could dress there while she cleaned up Johnny. I told her I didn’t want to dress in the open, but Elaine told me that there was no one else in the apartment but the baby and us girls. Erick had left for work hours ago. I must have spent the whole night in the tub, and now it was already morning.

  I started to dress quickly, still watching the doorway, just in case he came back. I crept around the apartment checking all the rooms, making sure we were really alone. When I was satisfied, I was able to breathe normally and sat on the couch to plan what to do next. I knew I had to get out of there fast before he came home that evening, but what could I do?

  I sat at the dining table waiting for Elaine while my mind raced with confused thoughts of what had happened that night. Should I say something to her?

  “I see you are ready for breakfast,” she said as she came into the room. I jumped out of my seat and turned to see her with Johnny. She was still wiping his wet hair, and he giggled through an opening in the towel. He looked so cute that I couldn’t help smile. How I wished I were a little baby with no fears and a loving mother to hold me.

  Without really thinking out a plan, I mentioned to Elaine that I really missed Mummy and wanted to go home. “Aren’t you having a good time here? Erick and I have so many fun things planned for you,” she said.

  “You are so nice, Elaine, but I really want to go home now, if possible.” She explained that she would call Mummy so I could talk to her, but it wouldn’t be possible for me to go home until Ava was over the infectious stages of the measles. She put Johnny into his high chair and started dialing the phone. The next thing I knew I was listening to Mummy yelling at me about how busy she was, that I was so ungrateful for the kindness shown by my cousins, and that I would be brought home on Sunday—and that was the soonest. She told me to put Elaine back on the phone, while I just slumped into my chair and cried.

  Elaine was very kind and understanding, except she had no idea what I was feeling inside, and there was no way I could tell her. How I wished I were back in school with Anna. I was stuck in a situation and didn’t know how to get out of it. I spent most of the day standing on the balcony looking down at the busy street below. I wondered what it would feel like to float down to the pavement and get lost in the crowds. I sat in the lawn chair on the balcony and took short naps waking in fright every time I heard a noise.

  Erick came out onto the balcony and rubbed my head. I jumped out of the chair, sending it toppling over. I darted past him into the living room and stood near Elaine. He wouldn’t try anything if I was with her, I reasoned. Offering to help set the table for dinner, I totally ignored him. Elaine informed me that we were having company over—just my aunt Ella, Erick’s mother, and her boyfriend. They come over once a week to play cards. I was quite relieved that there would be others around, and maybe he won’t bother me tonight.

  Aunty Ella was quite a character and seemed to know I was very troubled. She must have been watching me all evening. She had me sit next to her while she’d nudge me on which card to throw out, as though I knew what she was doing. I played along with her, which made me feel pretty comfortable. Aunty Ella asked Erick something about his first wife and his daughter my age, when suddenly Elaine remarked how late it was and told me to say good night and get to bed. I squirmed and made excuses that I wasn’t tired and really didn’t want to yet. Aunty Ella put her cards down and looked me in the eyes, asking, “Where are you sleeping, child?” Elaine answered for me and told her we all bunked together because there was plenty of room.

  Aunt Ella stood up, shaking her head, saying, “Oh no, dear. Tess is a big girl and must have her own bed. She’s probably uncomfortable in a big bed she’s not used to. Where is the mattress that I usua
lly use when I sleep over?” Elaine pointed to the closet. Aunty Ella pulled on the mattress that was stuck in the closet in a bent-over position, and then with a big tug it was set free. I jumped up to help carry it into the bedroom. I suggested that we could leave it out in the living room, but they voted against it. The only place left was on the same side where Erick slept. I watched them prepare the mattress with sheets and a pillow, pushing it toward the bed so the French doors to the balcony were not obstructed.

  Aunty Ella finally said, “There, now you have your own bed,” while hugging my shoulders and whispering, “Sweet dreams!” It’s as if she knew!

  I was left alone in the room while I changed my pillow to the far end of the mattress, and I lay down, still in my clothes, deciding not to change into my pajamas. Looking out the French doors up into the sky I could see the few scattered stars that shone with a special twinkle that brought peace to my soul. I wrapped my whole body in the sheet, resembling a cocoon with no visible openings up to my neck. I slept soundly that night, not waking once to any more disturbances.

  The rest of the week passed fast, with Erick behaving as though nothing had happened, making me wonder if I had imagined the whole sordid ordeal. I must have experienced it because of the shame I felt whenever I was around them. I was so glad to be home that Sunday, even though Mummy pushed me to hug them good-bye when they dropped me off. I remember standing behind Mummy while they talked about my week and got slapped on the head by her for not showing enough manners in thanking them properly for the wonderful time they had shown me! How could Mummy have known what had happened? I could never tell her. I decided to keep it a secret until I was back at school, where I could either tell Anna or Father Anthony in confession.

  I ran through the halls as though I had only just arrived from school and suddenly remembered that Mummy never did explain why all of Daddy’s paintings were gone. I found Ava in the living room, still covered in fading red spots. She actually smiled, showing she was glad I was back, and pointed to a large stack of comic books that our new friends had loaned her to read. I picked up a stack that she had already finished with and settled into the divan to read, but then I looked up and asked her if mummy had explained about the wall paintings. Ava nodded but kept reading. She said that it made Mummy so sad to be reminded of Daddy, so she had it painted over.

  I told her, “We had better not sing the song she wrote, either, if it’s going to make her sad.”

  “Too late. I already did,” she said, not taking her eyes out of the comic book. Then, as if on cue, we gave each other a mischievous look and smiled. She turned out to be quite a pal that day, and I really felt happy to be home.

  The sunset and Roda that evening were very gratifying, and as much as I wanted to share my secret, I felt I could not find the right moment to do so. Roda seemed so childish with kites and tree climbing on her mind that I suddenly felt very old and dirty. I decided that I would not spoil her fun with awful thoughts. She pointed to the sun going down for the last second and held her breath to make a wish, while I just sat and watched how sweet her little heart was to still believe in it.

  Christmas came and went with very little enthusiasm on my part. I had a dark secret that ate at my soul, and I just couldn’t get into the festivities. We did the usual—singing carols around the piano, identical grotesque dresses made for Ava and myself, pictures taken with our friends, and, of course, midnight mass. The assembly was outdoors to accommodate the thousands that would not fit into the small church.

  An altar was set up, with folding chairs stretching as far as the eye could see. Since I didn’t like the candy apple red dress with big white squares that I was wearing and wished Anna could have made my Christmas dress instead, I sat between Mummy and Ava and tried to hide from snickering eyes. I hadn’t been to confession; therefore, there was no way I was going to receive Communion. I didn’t think Jesus liked me any longer, and I got angry with Him for not having protected me from that revolting incident. I decided not to trust Him any further, and I didn’t believe He really existed. I had hardened my heart against God and felt that I had to take care of myself from now on, as no one else, not even God, could do the job.

  When Ava and Mummy came back to their seats with Communion in their mouths, I thought how dense they looked with their eyes closed in prayer. And, for that matter, I become conscious of how stupid I must have looked when I believed that Jesus used to sit on my tooth and talk to me.

  I found little interest in doing any more out-of-the-ordinary things, especially with it being our last week of the holidays. I just lay around the house reading comic books or occasionally joined Roda in her tree climbing exploits. I must admit it felt good perched high atop the mango tree able to see the ocean at my back and the main street in front. I could sit up there for hours without anyone noticing me, lost among the leaves and branches. I would wonder about the people on those buses and in their cars; did they have normal lives with places to go, people to see, or did they have nasty experiences like I did?

  But what is normal, I thought. Roda seemed to have a different way of life. She didn’t have to go away to a boarding school; in fact, a school bus would pick them up right at the house. They had plenty of money to buy beautiful clothes, maybe because they had a daddy that lived with them. I guess they were well protected by their parents and didn’t have to rely on any God.

  The horrid incident lingered in my mind, which made me wonder whenever I saw a man with a young child in tow if that little girl was also being molested. I worried for all kids, hoping they were all safe. The pain of remembering kept me aloof from Mummy and Ava, and I felt that being back at the convent would take care of the retribution I deserved.

  I sat silently in the back seat of Mr. Singh’s car while Mummy and Ava talked about school. Mummy was telling Ava that she had to make sure all the snacks that had been packed for us were equally shared. I gazed out the window watching life pass before I could focus on anyone or anything. Just when you think you recognize or accept something, it is past in a blink of an eye. I would not ever be able to savor the moment, enabling me to enjoy the good things happening in my life, because of the many bad changes. I just couldn’t comprehend what was real and what was my imagination. I did make up my mind never to dwell on that day’s events, as I knew that it too would pass, only to get buried deep within myself.

  We were saying our good-bye’s and climbing into the train when I noticed the other girls gathered together showing mixed feelings, some in tears and others with smiles. They were sad to be leaving loving parents, yet happy to be reunited with friends. I also noticed that some of the girls were not there. How lucky, I thought. They must have convinced their parents of the convent treatment and were kept back, probably to become day scholars close to home. I overheard some say that their parents did not believe them because of the wonderful letters they had written all year.

  I too had tried to tell Mummy that I didn’t want to return. “Why can’t we stay and become day scholars?” I asked Mummy. Mr. Singh spoke for her, saying, “Now, you know that school is a school wherever it is. You go there to learn, not to like it!” I looked at Mummy for her opinion, and when I didn’t get one I went on to argue with him. I told him how badly the nuns treated us. I showed them my scars from whippings and how we are starved as punishment, and I even told them about the Mina incident and the box I was thrown into. Mummy stood up, and putting her arm around me, she said, “Now, you should know better than to tell lies about the good nuns, Tess. Out of the kindness of their hearts, they took you and Ava into that lovely school to give you a good education. You should be ashamed of yourself and ask Jesus to forgive you for saying such horrid things.”

  I was so desperate then that I asked Ava to collaborate what I had said. She had been listening to the conversation, but I guess when she realized that I was not believed, she added, “I can’t wait to get back to school. I miss all my friends. It’s going to be so great showing Mother Doris my pa
intings I did this holiday. Maybe she will help me enter it in the art competition.” I was now totally ignored while Mummy and Mr. Singh started praising her, telling me that I should feel the same way too. It was a lost cause; my sister had turned on me once more. There it was again, people constantly letting me down. But as a so-called friend once said, “It, too, will pass!”

  I had my head out the train window trying to blot out any conversations with the sound of the wheels drumming in my ears. Looking at the familiar sights, I noticed some foxes darting through the jungle bush. I stretched my neck out of the train to keep them in sight while I envied their freedom to roam. Foxes were so clever; Mother Doris could probably never catch one. I started imagining what it would look like with Mother Doris in her long white habit chasing the fox with her cane. The fox would stop and wag his tail at her, saying, “Catch me if you can! Ha!” I started smiling to myself and wished I were that fox. I’d give her a run she would never forget. The trip back to school seemed to end sooner than expected, and the whole group in our compartment spoke in hushed tones.

  Pasco tried to cheer up the girls, who had turned very quiet on our way back to the convent. When the gates unlocked they all simultaneously started weeping. It was a frightening sight. This time I was not crying, just watching the others release their emotions. Even Ava had tears in her eyes. I was determined not to cry. I was going to be a fox and outsmart everyone. I’ll never let them hurt me ever again, but if they did, so what? I just won’t feel it. I jumped off the bus and ran toward the dormitory while the others just lingered around the bus. I first went looking for Mina, as I realized how much I had missed her. I called out her name and ran through the little girls’ dormitory and noticed a new face at Mina’s bed. I ran out again and saw Mother Doris standing at the entrance. She had a big smile on her face, welcoming all of us back with open arms. She seemed different; she actually looked happy to see us.