Zebra Tears Read online

  I pushed through the crowd of girls and pulled on her skirt. “Where is Mina, Mother? I have looked all over and can’t find her.” Mother Doris put her arm on my shoulder and sadly told me that Mina had been adopted during the Christmas holidays to a very nice couple who wanted a child of their own. “No!” I screamed. “How could you give her away? How could you!” I started hitting and kicking her, not caring about the consequences.

  I was so wrapped in my self-pity that I didn’t realize the crowd of girls who were watching my arrogant behavior in horror. They were still all crying because they had to be there, and the spectacle I was causing put them over the edge. They started yelling and crying hysterically, with Mother Doris trying to hush them and control me at the same time. Mother Doris grabbed me by my waist and carried me, kicking and yelling, to her room while sternly telling the others to unpack and get settled in.

  Mother Doris finally let go of me once we entered her room. I looked at her with such hate that she actually looked perturbed. She calmly sat down and motioned me to sit on her bed. I plopped myself on her bed while she pulled out her box of sweets and offered me one. I took it and just stuck it into my pocket, breathing very hard in anger. “Have you calmed down yet?” she asked.

  “I don’t know!” I replied angrily, which only made her smile more. I couldn’t understand why she was not beating me up instead of sitting there smiling. Mother Doris began explaining what happened to Mina, while I was made to feel very stupid over my behavior. It seems that Mina got very sick during the holidays. She developed pneumonia and was taken to the hospital. At that time, the nurse who took care of her fell in love with Mina and wanted to adopt her. When Mina pulled through, the nurse and her husband took her home to be their little girl. Mina was very happy with them, she told me, and said that I should be too. I looked up at Mother Doris not knowing what to say. I took the sweet out of my pocket and stuck it in my mouth. I guess the gesture explained that I had accepted her story and she was forgiven.

  At least Mina had a family now who really wanted her, and I could be very happy for her, even though I would miss her so much. I wanted to go see Anna and be hugged by someone who cared. I had so much I wanted to tell her that I couldn’t wait another moment.

  “Now,” said Mother Doris, “I will forgive you your behavior, but don’t push your luck again. I will not tolerate such a scene again, understand?” I just nodded and walked out of her room and broke into a mad dash to see Anna.

  Passing the girls with surprised faces that I had survived the wrath of Mother Doris, I somehow felt differently after that. I was now the big shot, not scared of anything or anyone. Yet, I couldn’t help thinking, “It might pass!”

  “Anna!” I yelled, banging on her door. The door opened, and I flew into her arms. Anna looked pale, and her hair wasn’t combed. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “Are you sick?” Anna just held me in her arms and hugged me without saying a word. My stomach started hurting, as I felt something dreadful coming. Anna walked me back into the room, explaining that her mother had passed away just before Christmas and she was exhausted from having cared for her before she died. She was so happy to have me back and wanted to know about my holiday. She said, “Don’t leave anything out; tell me everything.”

  I told her how wonderful it was to see the ocean again and about my new friends, but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her about my cousin Erick. I wanted to, but I felt so ashamed, and I guess the ordeal showed on my face. Anna sensed there was something wrong and tried her best to dig it out of me. I finally told her that something bad happened to me during my holiday, but it was impossible for me to talk about it. Anna suggested that if it was bothering me so much I should talk to Father Anthony in confession, and maybe I could find peace in my heart. I laughed nervously and said, “I don’t think so, Anna, because he is just a man and can’t help me.” Anna finally convinced me that he represented Christ, who hears all and forgives, and I shouldn’t see him as just a man but a man of God. I thought I would give Christ another chance and confess this burden the next time I went to confession.

  “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” I said in the confessional. Father Anthony asked me how long it had been since my last confession, and I told him almost two months. I didn’t know how to tell him what happened to me, but he helped by asking questions. I spilled out my heart to him and asked if there really was a God, and if so, would I be forgiven? Father Anthony took a deep breath and suggested that what had happened to me was very unfortunate, and he would pray for my soul and for God’s forgiveness. He told me that I had to say a whole rosary for penance and never to talk of it again, especially to any of the other girls in school. My stomach hurt so badly by the time I left the confessional to say my penance that I was feeling worse than before. I had to say a whole rosary for penance, which was not good. I felt that I had committed such a heinous crime that even God would have to think about forgiving me. My heart was not in my prayer, as I still felt unclean. I stayed away from Anna as much as possible, because she always wanted to know if my problems were solved. I just shook my head, telling her that Father Anthony did not want me to talk about it to anyone, and I had to obey him if I wanted God to forgive me.

  ***

  “Well, Becky, what do you think?”

  “Poor Mom,” she said. “You are very brave to have gone through all that alone. I understand now why you have been so protective of me while growing up. I think you can tell them about your exploits with Roda and even the part of going to your cousins’ to get away from the measles; just don’t say anything unusual happened. You can blame your change in attitude to being frustrated with your mom, who would not believe you.

  “That may be so, but I do mention the sin I felt was my fault, and they will wonder what that was.”

  “Don’t worry about it for the present; I will let you know what I tell the kids before you come to visit and finish the story.”

  “The next adventure is really awesome; it’s called “the Great Escape,” which I think you all will find very interesting. Were you serious that my stories should be a book?”

  “Yes, of course, mom,” she said. “I am still thinking of a title for you.”

  The Great Escape

  Chapter 7

  Ava was now in the big girl’s dormitory. She turned thirteen in December. School would be starting up soon, and we all kept busy with books being covered, class schedules, and uniform fittings. While kneeling in front of my bed and struggling with a book cover, Mother Doris pulled me up to face her. She looked at me through angry eyes and told me to pack all my things and roll up my mattress. I looked at her in shock and asked why.

  “Don’t ask questions. Just do as you are told!” she said sternly. I felt terrible, because all the other girls were looking at me and also wondering why. I quickly did what she wanted and followed her into the big girl’s dormitory. I got surprised looks from all of them too. Mother Doris pointed to a vacant bed and told me I was to stay there from now on, and I was not allowed to associate with either the little ones or the girls from my previous dormitory. I was so surprised that I could not find my voice to ask any questions.

  Ava saw what was happening and came to Mother Doris, protesting, “She’s only ten. She can’t be in this dormitory. I had to wait till I was thirteen. It’s not right,” she kept insisting, thinking that I was privileged or something. Mother Doris just turned to her and coldly replied, “Take it up with Mother Superior. She told me to put Tess here.” I threw all my things on the floor and darted past Mother Doris and Ava to find Mother Superior.

  Mother Superior condoned what Father Anthony had done. “He was thinking of the many other souls that might be hurt by your sinful experience. It’s best you stay with the big girls from now on.” I was so humiliated knowing that Mother Superior knew about my sin, and now I was being banned to hell for it.

  I was right. There is no God! How could Father Anthony have told my sin to Mother Superior? I tho
ught that Father Anthony was supposed to keep it a secret between him, God, and me. I will never trust anyone ever again, not even Anna! I started to feel such a hate for everyone. I thought I could even kick a small baby if it tried to touch me. I wanted to die of shame. Everyone in school would know what a wicked and sinful girl I was. At this point I didn’t care if anyone ever talked to me again.

  ***

  “What sin, Nana? What happened to you?” said Nick, and I watched Vicky stick her fingers in her mouth, ready to bite her nails.

  I looked at Becky for answers and was so glad when she simply told them that “Nana experienced something awful during her holidays and doesn’t want to talk about it. Someday when you are older she will explain it all.”

  “OK,” said Nick and Vicky in unison.

  “May I continue with the story?” I asked.

  “Please go on, Nana. This is getting very exciting,” said Vicky.

  ***

  I was treated like a leper from then on. I wasn’t allowed to play with girls my own age and was pushed into a group of big girls who didn’t want me around either. I started writing down all my memories, emotions, and hatred for the world, especially Jesus. My diary was now my only friend, and it listened to my heart without condemning me. After a few months of school I realized that my education meant nothing to me either. I failed every subject miserably and got severely punished for it. Mummy was informed of my bad grades, and I received pleading letters from her to do better in school.

  Even Anna tried to reach me, but I decided not to love her anymore, so I hid from her attention. One day I confronted her with, “I don’t trust anyone, not even you!” I told her not to pray for me, as I didn’t believe there was a God. Anna saw the hatred in my eyes and wept. I wanted to run into her arms and hug her to apologize, but I stood firm and walked away.

  I had turned eleven that year and was informed that mummy could not afford to have us home that Christmas, so we had to experience it in school that year. Ava was very unhappy, and I really didn‘t care. We realized how awful the girls who were left behind felt while we watched the rest of them climb aboard the school bus for the station and then home. We had both failed our grades and were required to be reexamined in order to get promoted. Even though it was the holidays, we still had study hall. Mother Doris would take Ava’s math book and shove it into her face, screaming, “Study, study!”

  After about a week of this treatment, Ava approached me with a scheme attached to a menacing smile. “We’re going to run away, and you’re going to help me,” she told me. I wanted to but decided against it. I shook my head and told her that I didn’t care about studying, and she could run away if she wanted without my help. I was still angry with her for not having stood by me when I tried to explain how horrid it was here in school. I remembered how she had let me down so many times before, and this was my chance to get even with her. I schemed in my own little head how I was going to let her get so far with her plans, and just when she thought she was going to make it I would tell Mother Doris of her plans. I’d see how she liked it! Ava turned in disgust from me and mumbled something and walked away.

  I was grabbed by my ears and pulled to my locker. Mother Doris was pointing to the mess of peanut shells as she said, “I will not tolerate stealing in my school.” I stared at the shells with a puzzled look. The peanuts were our Christmas present from the nuns, a large red stocking filled with roasted peanuts. I had been so angry at the stupid present that I gave my stocking away to another girl. I protested that I hadn’t stolen any peanuts and that she, Mother Doris, had been a witness when I gave mine away. “I know,” she said. “I guess you changed your mind and took them back.” The girl I had given my peanuts to was standing next to Ava with head bent.

  Ava spoke up now, “I told you not to take them, Tess. I would have given you some of mine if you wanted.” She looked so pitiful that Mother Doris got even more angry, believing that I deliberately did this awful thing. Up went the cane, while the others backed off, giving her enough room to beat the tar out of me. With each stripe across my back she kept reminding me of how filled with sin I was with what I did last Christmas and now this. At the rate I was going, I was surely on my way to burn in hell. All my cries of innocence were in vain.

  At lunch I was made to kneel at her refectory desk. “No lunch for you until you confess to stealing, the only way you can save your soul.” I was given a chance to confess right there and be allowed to eat lunch. I refused! I had developed a stubborn streak and refused to confess to something I hadn’t done. After lunch I was taken before Mother Superior. Alone with her, she tried kindness. “Now, Tess,” she said, “you don’t want to burn in hell, do you?” She waited for an answer, but I gave none. She went on, “All you have to do is confess it, and God will forgive you instantly.”

  I looked at her with hate and said, “If there is a God, why didn’t He forgive me instantly when I confessed my other sin to Father Anthony?” Before I knew what happened, I was knocked to the floor with a slap across my face. Mother Superior was screaming at me for blaspheming God.

  While still on the floor and holding my face, she kept repeating, “There is no hope for you in heaven; you now belong to the devil, and to hell with you. Get up and go to Mother Doris at once.”

  Mother Doris then took up the abuse and hit me around the head with her bunch of keys, telling me I was going to hell soon. I shielded my head with my arms and mumbled that I was already there. I was isolated from everyone and made to sit on the morning wash-up wall alone. I sat there burning with hate for everyone while my stomach ached for some food. I had not eaten since the night before, and now it was almost time for dinner.

  I was feeling so faint from being beaten, the crying, and the loss of nourishment I thought it would be wonderful to just die that night. I didn’t believe there was a hell because there wasn’t a God, so where would I go? I imagined if I died that night I would become a ghost and haunt Mother Doris and the whole school forever, and I looked forward to scaring them to death.

  Ava approached me while I sat alone. “Well? Have you had enough? I can stop it, you know. That is, if you decide to go with me. I can tell Mother Doris that the girl you gave the peanuts to made up the whole story.” With no reaction from me, she slapped me on the head, saying, “It’s up to you, stupid. Just think, we could still be home for Christmas.” I finally nodded my agreement and gave in. I should have realized her power over me was even greater than any god!

  I savored every morsel at breakfast while noticing Ava trying to get my attention. She had a look of excitement on her face that could have screamed to the world, “I’m out of here!” She managed to con Mother Doris’s approval that I should help her study. While we sat there with open books she would start drawing maps. We were to escape that night. If I read her artistic clues correctly, she drew a black sky with the moon lighting the pathway we were going to take. A line of stick figure girls going down to the refectory with arrows pointing away from it toward the kitchen past the music cottage right to the closed gate. She drew a stick figure climbing the gate with another one running toward the train station. I whispered that those were tall gates with no ladders and only arrows. How were we going to get over them, especially in the dark? She smiled and nudged me in the ribs saying, “No problem.” I guess she was more of a fox than I could ever dream to be.

  This was it! Ava and I were last in line to the refectory that night. Just as we passed the nuns’ refectory, she tugged my arm to fall back slowly. While the line started descending the steps, she and I made a mad dash toward the back gate. We hid near the well to make sure the coast was clear before we darted toward the bath stalls. It seemed like an eternity of holding our breath; it was time again to make another run to the music cottage and then freedom. We stepped out of hiding, ready to run the last stretch when we were stopped in our tracks, realizing that the dogs had been set loose to patrol the area. They were standing in front of the music cottage, their
eyes glowing in the dark and slowly growling with rising pitch. While they readied themselves to pounce, we turned and ran as fast as we could back to the refectory.

  Mother Doris was just about to start the prayer when we made it to our seats. Ava made the excuse that she had to stop and tie her shoelace, therefore making us late getting there. She looked very angry that her plan had misfired, but as she ate her dinner I would occasionally glance up at her to see that familiar smirk, which meant she had formulated another plan.

  The next morning after breakfast chores were handed out. Ava volunteered my services to sweep up the long hallway, as well as the south balcony, while she would wash all the windows along the south side to keep an eye on me. Mother Doris was all smiles, surprised that she would have volunteered for anything, let alone a work detail. She handed us buckets, rags, and a broom, telling us to get to work. While my arms ached from pushing the broom, I kept thinking about the great escape. I realized that we had no supplies for the trip and started to doubt Ava’s plan.

  I had to have my diary with me, I thought. What if it fell into the wrong hands? I started thinking of excuses to leave my duty so I could retrieve my diary. I laid down the broom and ran toward the dormitory, finding Mother Doris sitting in a chair reading. She was in a place where she could overlook all the chores being done and immediately looked up as I approached. I hung my head as humbly as I could, explaining that I needed a large bag to collect trash while I swept. Mother Doris pointed to the bathroom and motioned to get one out of the supply closet. I ran to the back and grabbed a bag, then ran as fast as I could through all the dormitories to get to my bed. I grabbed my diary, put it into the bag, ran back to the bathroom, and then out again. Mother Doris had just gotten up from her chair and started walking in my direction; she wondered where I had gotten. I told her I had to use the bathroom and that I was going back to work. She kept walking to the back while I ran with my book and bag to resume sweeping.