Zebra Tears Page 5
Mother Doris came to my bed and told Mina to leave us. She started gathering up all my goodies and dumped them back into the box. She picked up everything, including my card and picture from Anna and asked me to follow her to her room. Once there Mother Doris dumped the box onto her bed. “What’s this for?” she asked, picking up the two notebooks.
“I guess for writing stories. You know how I like to write,” I cried. She put them down while handing me my new handkerchiefs. She picked up the candy and bubble gum and asked if I wanted to put it in her cupboard, and I nodded yes. Nevertheless, as she started to unlock the cupboard, I got to thinking that it wasn’t nice to keep it all to myself; there were so many girls that didn’t have any candy. Anna would have wanted me to share it with everyone. I told Mother Doris that I wanted to give it all out to the girls and only keep the bubble gum and cookies in a can to share with Ava and Mina. She nodded and gave me the huge bag of candy to hand out at dinner that night. I took a handful of bubble gum and put them in my pocket, realizing that I didn’t have to save the used ones stuck under my bed anymore. I was again temporarily happy, and I could not wait to tell Mina to get rid of her old gum too and to make room for new ones! Mother Doris opened my card from Mummy, saw the ten rupees, and looked at me with a questioning look. I told her I wanted to give that to Anna for making me my beautiful dress, and she agreed.
Mother Doris handed me a new pencil, eraser, and the sharpener and put the rest of them away in her desk to hold for me. I picked up the bag of candy with the rest of my gifts, especially the picture from Anna, and stuck the ten rupees in my pocket for her. Mina had snuck back into my dormitory and was sitting on my bed, kicking her legs back and forth waiting for me. When she saw Mother Doris and me come out of the room, she jumped to her feet and started straightening my bed. I smiled and grabbed her by the hand, opening her tiny fist, and put a brand new piece of Bazooka bubble gum into it, still in its original wrapper. She opened her hand and squealed with joy. I told her not to open it yet, that we would go outside and find our secret bubble gum spot to experience the opening ceremony together. She stuck her gum into her pocket and waited for me to put my things away. I gave Ava a handful of candy and a few pieces of gum too, and she took off to play with her friends.
Here we were at last! Mina and I sat on the grass behind the water tank where no one would ever bother us because of the mosquitoes. We carefully opened our gum and found it came wrapped in comics. I read it to Mina, but somehow we didn’t understand the joke. Now we were ready for the treat and finally popped the gum into our mouths. It was hard as a rock but oh so sweet. We closed our eyes and relished the wonderful taste that we had only imagined for so long. We did have a couple of accidents in swallowing the whole piece before it got a chance to change from sugar to gum; this meant a couple more new pieces before we mastered the chewing. Between slapping mosquitoes off each other, we started blowing bubbles, small ones, and then big ones that covered my nose when it popped. Mina had still not been able to blow a big one and had fun just poking her finger into the big ones I blew.
The bell sounded, and it was time for the dinner line. We jumped up and ran toward the dormitory so I could retrieve the bag of candy to hand out. Mina and I were partners in line, while Mother Doris walked behind us. She made her spit her gum out and then sent her running to catch up with me. I smiled at her and touched my pocket, reassuring her that she could have more at playtime tonight.
***
It was really late, and I noticed that both Nick and Vicky looked like they were really trying hard to stay awake. I looked at Becky and asked if we could continue tomorrow, as the next adventure was too good to miss on sleepy kids.
“Let’s go to bed, you two,” said Becky while the kids climbed out of their bean bags to hug me good night.
“Remember, Nana,” said Vicky, “we want to hear all about it tomorrow, right after breakfast OK?”
“I’m so glad you had Anna in that horrid place. You must be so brave!” said a very sleepy Nick.
“I couldn’t have made it without her. That’s why I believe Jesus sent her as my guardian angel. Good night, my darlings, and I’ll see you in the morning.”
After they left, I told Becky that there is a part in my story that was not suitable for their young ears. “I will tell you about it when we stop for another break in my story.” She looked concerned but understood. “I will have to stop the story after the next adventure when Ava and I go home for Christmas. After all, it will be just in time to end the sleep over and promise to continue at another time.”
I slept so soundly that I didn’t notice Vicky and Nick had snuggled up against me on the couch watching their cartoons with the volume turned down to minimum. When I started stirring they both jumped up and wished me a good morning and wanted to know when we could get started again on the rest of the story. “We will have to wait till your mom wakes and we have breakfast,” I said, so they ran to Becky’s room to wake her.
“Let her sleep,” I called out, but I was too late. I went into her room to see the kids rolling in her big bed and trying to coax her to get up.
The weekend was passing so quickly, and Tony would be home that morning from the National Guard. I was sure very tired and needing a rest. I got up, got ready for breakfast, and packed my little bag and left it near the front door. When Vicky saw my bag, she asked, “You’re not leaving yet, Nana, are you?”
“No, baby,” I said, “but I will be leaving as soon as breakfast is done and I have told you the next adventure.”
Going Home for Christmas
Chapter 5
Ava was an accomplished pianist at thirteen, not to cite her artistic talents, which were in such demand for all the Christmas concerts and posters. Secluded in the music cottage I would crack my knuckles; pound the keys, pretending I was performing at a great concert; and then revert to my boring scales. On one of these occasions while in the throes of a so-called Mozart concerto, Ava burst into the cottage, proclaiming how awful it sounded to her and probably everyone in the immediate area. I jumped up from my piano stool and looked out the window to see if anyone else might have heard. Instead, she started playing a beautiful melody and told me to sing along with the lyrics she handed me. “Me, sing? I don’t think so,” I told her. When I refused, she grabbed me by my skirt and yanked me to the piano, making a menacing fist. I immediately cleared my throat, ready to sing.
I asked her to sing the lyrics first so I could hear how I was supposed to sound. Her voice changed to a very sad but angelic tone as she obliged. I found that I was holding my breath through the whole song, and when she was finished I let out a big sigh. She changed back to her normal, bullying self and ordered, “You sing it just like that.” I told her it was so beautiful, but I could never sing it just like her. She looked up at me sternly when I noticed she had tears forming in her eyes. “OK, I’ll try” I said.
It started with the chorus, and then the verse followed by the chorus again. I sang it a couple of times, when she finally slammed her hands on the keys. She turned her body to face me, grabbed me by the arms, and shook me. “I composed this song because it is very special to me. Imagine what it would be like if someone you loved very much should die, leaving you all alone in the world. Now sing it again,” she yelled. She was thinking of our dad, but I thought of my Jesus.
The song was about my papa after all, and it did not have to be about an earthly father. I thought how Jesus had already died for me, yet He was still alive. I thought, After all, I do talk to Him a lot, especially during Communion. I thought how terrible it would be if I could never see Him again or be able to ever talk to Him again. I was now ready to sing her song.
“My Papa”
My Papa, my Papa, come back to me.
My Papa, my Papa, come back to me.
My Papa, my Papa, come back to me.
Oh, I need you, I need you I do.
When you went away, I was just a babe,
Crying in Mam
a’s arms all day.
You took me and you held me as I was told,
Oh, your arms were an ocean of gold.
Chorus
Now I am big and I understand,
What it is to go on without your hand.
You guided my footsteps when I took them first,
But now you are not there to trust.
Chorus
Praise be to God and His will be done,
He must have sent you, only that I’d be born.
Now I am here, but you are gone.
Oh, when will I meet you in the eternal dawn.
Chorus
I was now so deep into the song with tears rolling down my face that even started Ava sniffling as she whispered, “Good.” She was finally satisfied and got up from the piano, telling me to go with her to see Mother Virginia. We ran through the passageway under the south balcony and made a sharp turn right. Ava grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me up the stairs to the end of the assembly balcony to the last classroom.
I was so out of breath when we got there that I could not have sung to save my life. This was to be Ava’s contribution to our Christmas show, and she couldn’t wait to spring it on our music teacher. The last classroom near the nuns’ refectory also had a piano, where Mother Virginia practiced with the choirgirls. She turned to see us both enter the room and pointed at me, asking, “Why aren’t you using this hour to practice your scales?” when Ava jumped in front of me with a joyous, “Surprise!” She began explaining why I was there and that she wanted her to hear something. Mother Virginia moved away from the piano bench and pointed to it. Ava slipped onto it, pulling me next to her, nodding to start. I took the lyrics page out of my pocket and smoothed out the creases, trying to get back into the same frame of mind. My Jesus, I thought, this is for You. Ava played, and I sang.
Mother Virginia had a big smile on her face and stood with one hand on each of our shoulders. She turned my face upward to her and told me that I had a beautiful voice, just what she needed in her choir. I was to stay there for practice until the rest of the girls arrived and practice my scales. She then turned to Ava and patted her on the head. “I’m very proud of your accomplishment; we will definitely include it in our Christmas concert. I want you both to practice this every day until Tess knows all the words, but I want it to be a duet. I want you to sing it in harmony.” Ava told her she couldn’t play and sing, but Mother Virginia insisted.
I finally had an opportunity to join the choir and found very little time to practice the piano between rehearsals. The concert was approaching, and the show must go on. I told Anna how nervous I was to get up in front of the whole school to sing, and I wished I could get a sore throat or something. Anna always made me laugh or feel good, especially when she made me realize that I was like the little drummer boy. She explained that I should sing the song to Jesus as though I were right there in the manger at His birth. I was to imagine Mary and Joseph kneeling near the baby while I sang my present to him. She helped me memorize the words, which made it easier to sing from my heart.
I went back to my piano practice at the cottage, and we rehearsed a couple of times a week. It felt strange to regain my solitude in the music cottage, but I would frequently find myself still singing the song in my head. I would stand in front of some barrels that were stored in the back and front room, pretending they were the audience to whom I would curtsey as I imagined their applause. I did this every day until one day my curiosity about the barrels got the better of me. I lifted the heavy wooden lid, and lo and behold it was full of dried, pickled mango strips. My jaws ached with saliva dripping into my throat through my hour of scales.
“Just one piece would do it,” I thought. I jumped up from the piano stool and dashed to a barrel and looked over my shoulder, expecting to be spied upon, and I pinched a piece. I rushed back to the piano and cradled the mango piece in my hand, wondering if they would miss one piece out of all those barrels. I brought it to my lips and tasted the salt, taking a tiny bite off the end. I drooled with pleasure and just popped the whole shriveled up piece into my mouth. It tasted so wonderful that I just couldn’t resist chewing it. To my dismay it was gone too soon; I had to have more. I looked out the window to see if anyone was close enough to watch me and then ran to another barrel, taking another piece. This time I popped it into my mouth without hesitation. I decided that this was it. No more.
Something inside of me was telling me I was committing a terrible sin of stealing, and I would have to go to confession; but, I also thought that the nuns had so much of it, why couldn‘t they share? It felt like I had a devil on my left shoulder and an angel on my right. I picked up my books and ran to find Anna, who was always busy at her sewing machine. I was glad the angel won, yet I felt so bad inside. I sat on the floor fidgeting until she looked over her glasses at me.
“What’s bothering you?” she asked with a smile.
“Nothing,” I replied, not looking at her.
“What did you do?”
“Nothing,” I replied again with tears welling up. She got up from the sewing machine and came to sit on the floor with me. She put her arm around my shoulders and assured me that it would be all right. I leaned into her while I cried, telling her between sobs that I had stolen two pieces of mango from the music cottage barrels. I was afraid that Jesus would be so mad at me. Father Anthony would not be at church to hear confession until Friday, and today was only Tuesday. My stomach hurt so badly, and I wished I had never touched those barrels. Anna hugged me and stood up, pulling me to my feet. She told me that I had already confessed my sin by telling her and that she knew Jesus would have forgiven me already. I asked, “How do you know this, Anna?” She went on to explain that Jesus knew that I was sorry because I had all the symptoms, such as a stomachache and the remorse and willpower never to do it again. I still felt it was not official enough unless a priest would give me penance and bless me with forgiveness in Jesus’s name. I felt better when I left Anna, but the urgency of confession on Friday still ate at my heart.
It was Wednesday, and I did not take Communion. I learned that I could not receive Communion if I had sinned. I watched everyone else receiving it, and I longed to have Him visit me again, but I dared not. I felt so ashamed to be in church just in case He could see me through the mouths of the two girls on either side of me. Mother Doris had always said that when we sinned, our hearts became black with the devil, and Jesus could not enter there when it was dirty. I felt like tearing out my heart to clean it, but knew I had to wait until Friday.
Thursday I didn’t practice my piano at the cottage. Instead I insisted that Ava and I practice her song for the concert at the choir piano. It was Friday at last, and I was first in line at the confessionals. Father Anthony heard my confession. “Father, I sinned on Tuesday and have had the worst week because I could not get to you until today.” I told him I had stolen two pieces of pickled mango and promised I’d never steal anything ever again. It felt so good to get it off my chest, and I actually felt the darkness lift from my soul. Father Anthony explained that since he represented Jesus and would take my sins to Him, I should know I was already forgiven. He told me to say three Our Father’s and three Hail Mary’s for penance and blessed me with forgiveness. Whew! What a relief. My heart felt light, and my soul was white once more. I could visit Jesus again and wondered if He would remember what I had done.
I was skipping along to the dormitory when I ran into Mina, who was struggling with her shoelaces. I grabbed her from behind and scared her into squealing. I bent down and tied her laces and told her that she was a big girl now and needed to know how not to get her thumb caught into the bow. We sat on the wash wall and practiced tying her laces until she got it right. She laughed so heartily and wanted to run and tell everyone that she could tie her laces all by herself. Mina had turned five in November and could not wait to go into the first standard (or grade) after the holidays.
It was almost the last week before school shut do
wn for the Christmas holidays. Everyone seemed so busy getting the two classrooms next to the dormitory ready. The wall that separated the classes was just a partition and easily taken down. The rooms became one gigantic hall with a platform for a stage. Mother Virginia’s piano was rolled all along the nuns’ living quarters then through Anna’s room to the long hallway and then into the stage room. Ava was busying herself drawing posters and back stage scenes for other skits, and it seemed that there was nothing for me to do but stand and watch.
At playtime that night Mother Doris called out the names of girls that were going home for the Christmas holidays, and I was so happy when Ava and I were also mentioned. I didn’t know whether to jump for joy or be scared or sad. My emotions just fell into whatever Ava was feeling, and she was rejoicing. We could only pack a small bag of essentials and report to Mother Superior at the end of the week for her instructions on how and when the trip would take place. I started daydreaming how wonderful it would be to see the ocean, swing in the garden, and build sand castles on the beach. I was getting excited to the point of uncontrolled jitters and could not wait to tell Anna about it.
Instead, when I turned I looked into Mina’s sad face I saw big, swollen tears just about to drop. I hugged her and took her aside, telling her that I would bring her back a present and lots of candy and bubble gum. Our supply had long since depleted, and we were once again saving wads of used gum under our beds. She didn’t smile but just burst out crying. I realized then that I had never taken the time to find out anything about Mina’s life and had just used her as a sidekick friend. It was almost like what Ava did with me, but I really loved Mina and could not be cruel to her. I had no idea how lonely she must have been at that moment, knowing that almost all the boarders were going away in just a week. I was about to ask her about her parents when the bell rang, and it was time for the rosary and bed. I hugged her again and told her to make sure and go to the bathroom before bed and follow the usual nightly run when I would wake her. She sadly nodded and left for her dormitory, while I went to mine.