Zebra Tears Page 3

  Mother Doris started the prayers and then rang a small bell, giving us permission to eat. We were not permitted to talk, not even a whisper, while we scarfed down the food. I looked at my chipped enamel plate, which had one slice of bread and some brown gravy with a few pieces of potatoes and some peas in it. I had a tin cup with powdered milk in front of me, too, and that was it! I noticed everyone had the same thing, except one section of girls who were eating different food. I started to ask Ava, who also happened to be at my table, why, but the girl next to me nudged me in the ribs. I looked at her, and she put her finger to her mouth to say, “Hush, don’t talk!” I nodded in thanks and smiled and proceeded to eat my lunch. Mother Doris was reading aloud, stopping occasionally to sternly look around, determined to catch someone talking. It was quite a harrowing experience for my first of many days, or should I say years, there at St. Mary’s.

  I spent the rest of the day making my bed, putting my clothes away, and covering my text books in readiness for school the next day. Ava took me around the school, showing me where the classrooms were and showing me off to some of her friends. Dinner was the same experience, except the gravy had thickened with a few pieces of an unknown meat, and we did get an extra slice of bread. As we ascended the refectory steps, I noticed the sun had set, and we walked in the dark with our path lit by the eerie light from the chapel. We were allowed an hour of play before going to bed. Everyone dispersed and went about with their familiar little groups. There was laughter, some singing, and squeals from the little ones. Mother Doris walked around like a sentry overlooking the play time. I made sure to stay out of her way and found a corner to sit and watch everyone do their thing. Out of almost 150 girls there, I was number 34; I wondered what number 64 was doing.

  I was responsible for one of the little ones who needed extra care. Mina, a four year old, was ordered to report to me that evening, my new little charge. I guess Mother Doris knew I was having a difficult time adjusting to boarding school, so she assigned me to this little one, believing she could take my mind off myself and devote it to focusing on someone else.

  Mina seemed shy like me, and yet she was so cute with a few freckles on her nose. She had short brown hair and green eyes. Her skin was almost white, but her features were Asian.

  Half hidden behind the pillar I was leaning against, she found me. She poked her head around and smiled, saying, “Mother Doris said your name was Tessa, and I have to listen to you.” I smiled back at her and told her to just call me Tess. She jumped up onto the stone wall and sat next to me. So small and cute, her little sandaled feet swung back and forth when she immediately went into her tall tales. I listened with pleasure to her wild imagination, and it was wonderful.

  Her favorite story was about a prince who rescued her from a tower infested by big bullfrogs. The prince took a big stick, killed all the frogs, stole her away from the tower, and rode on his beautiful white horse back to his kingdom. Mina was deathly afraid of bullfrogs, which our school had plenty of. She proceeded to tell me that a big black-and-white monster creeps into her dormitory every night and ties a bullfrog to her bed. I laughed and told her that there were no such things as monsters here, and if she ever saw one, she should come and get me. I would protect her!

  Mina got quiet, and then slowly turning her head she looked into my eyes with such sadness that it made me sit upright and ask her what was wrong. She put her head down and mumbled, “Mother Doris does tie a frog to my bed because I have a lot of accidents.”

  “What kind?” I asked, not sure if I understood what she meant.

  Looking me in the face with a horrid scowl she replied, “I wet my bed, that’s why!”

  I had already accepted that all grown-ups were horrid people, but now I believed they were placed on this earth just to torture little children. I told her that I would help her not to have any more accidents and then the frog would be removed. With a beautiful, big smile, she hugged me, saying I was her new best friend. She took off and joined her other little friends while I sat by myself looking into the night and listening to all the new night sounds of crickets and bullfrogs in the distance.

  I wondered what Mummy would be doing at this moment. “She’s probably still on the train on her way back to Bombay and our beloved beach home,” I imagined. I searched for the sound of the ocean and crashing waves on our promenade, my favorite sounds of home. I remembered how I used to stand at my bedroom window and feel the spray from the ocean waves gently touch my face while I licked the salt off my lips. That’s how close we were to the ocean. The waves would smash up against the wall, and the spray would reach the house.

  I was so far away in thought I didn’t notice Ava and her friends coming toward me. My sister was very popular and had many friends; even Mother Doris seemed to tolerate her. She grabbed my hand and pulled me up to go join her. I was very shy with older kids, and now I was pressurized to join them in the jump rope game. For the lack of companionship at home I had not learned to play many of the games most kids knew. I had not jumped rope before and messed up the game to the point of embarrassment for my sister. Ava could not stand to be ridiculed by her friends concerning her awkward and stupid sister, so she joined in with the others and made me the butt of their jokes.

  Finally the bell sounded. Thank God! The girls automatically busied themselves getting ready for the next process. A silence fell over the whole area except for the sound of shuffling feet and directions given by Mother Doris. I followed like a lamb and did what the others did. I picked up my enamel basin and stood in line at the water tank. It was cold, with little bits of rusted metal dropping from the tap and settling on the bottom of my basin. I tried walking very carefully so as not to spill a drop. I placed it under my bed for the morning. Tomorrow would be another very hectic day for me. I was to be fitted for my school uniforms and then introduced to my teachers, and, “Please God, keep me out of trouble!”

  Mother Doris had assembled all the girls in their respective dormitories, and everyone was kneeling in front of their beds. I knelt down too, and someone in the third dormitory started the rosary. It was such a long ordeal that my knees hurt on the bare concrete floor. I dared not move, though, as I felt the glare of Mother Doris on my neck. When it was finally over the lights were to go out in five minutes. Ava came over and showed me how to install my mosquito net and how I was to fold and put it away every morning under the mattress. It tied to track wires that ran from one end of the dormitory to the other by four-cornered string. When let down it had a slit on the side you entered your bed. Ava began to tuck it around the mattress, and I was to fold the opening over and tuck it in from the inside.

  Once I lay down and settled in for the night, Ava stuck her head into my mosquito net and looked me straight in the eye. She opened her mouth to say something then changed her mind. She smiled at me and said, “Good night.” Just her smile made me feel so good that it made it all right to be there. I retucked the opening and closed my eyes.

  I awoke suddenly to a loud scream. I was not sure I had really heard it or just dreamed it. I dared not get out of bed, or Mother Doris would surely punish me. I could not go back to sleep either, even though I kept my eyes closed. I heard Mother Doris walking past my bed and later discovered that she walked for an hour around the dormitory with a long, thin cane in her hand to make sure no one was awake and talking.

  It must have been much later that night I heard the loud screams again. I sat upright in bed trying to see in the dark through my mosquito net when I heard someone running in the direction of the first dormitory. I climbed out of bed and followed her flashlight that danced off the walls. I peeked through the open door and saw Mother Doris grab Mina and yank her out of bed, slapping her around the head telling her to be quiet. She now pulled her sheets off the bed and draped them over Mina’s shoulders, making her kneel in front of her bed. In the quick movements of her flashlight, I could see shadows of a bullfrog jumping madly around poor Mina. She was hysterical and yet suppres
sing her screams from being beaten by this huge monster in white! My heart went out to her. I wanted to run in there and kill the white monster. My feet felt like lead though, and even when the monster turned to walk back, I could not move. I was frozen with fear; Mother Doris was right in front of me, looking down into my terrorized face while shining the flashlight right into my eyes.

  Her hand outstretched, she pointed toward my bed. Since I could not will myself to move, she nudged me in that direction. I walked in silence, forcing my feet to move and grateful that I was finally within my safe zone, my bed. I started to climb in when she decided to speak. “Come with me, Tess,” she said in a very kind voice, engulfing me into a false sense of security. I guess I needed it to take the next move in following her. She closed the door and turned on the light. I was now looking at her in a long white nightgown with her hood off. She wore a white night cap of sorts, covering her almost baldhead.

  She had a very simple room: a crucifix hung at the head of the bed, a desk, and a sunken cupboard on the wall near the door. She sat down at her desk and pulled me closer to her. With a quiet and almost human voice, she asked, “Why did you leave your bed?” I told her I had heard screams and wondered what had happened. I had broken her rules, she informed me, and that would have meant a severe punishment, but since it was my first night there she would let it pass. I was never to leave my bed again at night under any circumstances, unless it was for the sole purpose of using the bathroom.

  I nodded in agreement and hoped to get back to my bed, expecting the reprimand was over. I backed off a little bit when she raised her pointy finger at me, saying, “Remember, Tess, Mina is your responsibility from now on, and you had better make sure she uses the bathroom before going to bed.” I found the courage to ask her if Mina was sick, when she shook my shoulders so hard that hearing what she said came out in spurts. I was never to question her authority again, or I would face the consequences. Still shaking, I left her room, made a mad dash for my bed, and crawled under my sheet, trying to blot out the memory. I calmed down a bit and vowed I would try to help Mina from now on, and may God help me!

  It seemed I had only just closed my eyes when the bell rang. I wondered who was in trouble now. I looked at the barred windows and saw that it was still dark outside, yet everyone was getting out of bed, wrapping up their mosquito nets and putting them away. They looked like a sleepy group of zombies all doing the same thing. They bent down and picked up their basins with a towel on their arm and soap dish with toothbrush secured in an awkward grasp. I watched them until I found myself doing the same. The moon and stars were still out; it was five in the morning. I was learning hourly, then daily, all the rules and routines that were to take place from then on.

  It was 5:30 a.m., and we lined up at the sound of the bell. We were going to morning mass in the chapel over our refectory. My stomach growled with hunger while we climbed the steps to church. How I wished we were going in the other direction so we could have breakfast instead.

  I climbed the steps and entered a beautiful chapel. It was illuminated in a soft glow by candles everywhere, while music from the organ flowed down as if from heaven itself. I looked around and noticed the choir loft and all the rows of pews in the back filled with nuns dressed in white and kneeling in prayer. It was like looking out at the ocean, their heads bobbing in prayer, making it look like the white froth of the waves. Mother Doris’s eyes caught mine and with a stern look pointed my gaze to the front.

  It had been so long since I attended mass, and I thought it would be wonderful to receive Jesus into my heart again. I had so much to tell Him that I felt I could only really make contact through Holy Communion, while He was still in my mouth. “I have You now, Jesus,” I told Him as I knelt in my pew with Him on my tongue. He was so small and delicate that I did not want to bite down on Him in case I hurt Him. I closed my eyes and imagined myself in my own mouth, sitting on my back molar, with Jesus sitting right next to me. I felt quite shy but comfortable enough when talking to Him.

  Jesus had on a long, white robe with beautiful, flowing brown hair that rested on His shoulders and the most wonderful eyes, which could see right through me. He smiled and told me how good it was to see me again and that He was happy I had come to visit. Jesus and I were the same size to be able to fit in my mouth, about a quarter-inch tall. He seemed to know what was troubling me and how I wished I could stay with Him always, never having Him leave me. I heard Him tell me that He loved me so much and that I could talk to Him whenever I wanted, not just in church. I asked Him if I could talk to Him while in school or lying in bed or even while eating. He smiled and nodded, saying, “Anywhere and anytime, Tess.”

  I felt a nudge on my arm. It was like an earthquake inside my mouth, making me lose my balance. Jesus grabbed me before I fell and held me close to His chest.

  I opened my eyes and saw one of the girls trying to tell me to get off my knees and sit down like the rest of them. The priest was giving a sermon, and I was distracting them by staying in the kneeling position. I hated to say good-bye to Jesus, but I had to move. I sat down but still had the now-soggy Communion host on my tongue. I smiled to myself and told Jesus to be careful going down and to bless all the parts of my body as He passed them to my heart. I pictured Him passing my ribs as if riding on a long slide. My stomach growled, and I thought how loud that must have sounded to Him. It was such a wonderful feeling knowing that I had a special friend I could talk to anytime.

  We grouped into a line right after church and walked down to the refectory. To my dismay, breakfast was a repeat of dinner with an exception of tea instead of milk. I was so hungry that I did not care about etiquette. I dipped my slice of bread in the tea and ate the gravy with a spoon as though it were soup. I found myself staring at the table with the girls that had such a variety of food. I gave Ava a questioning look, and she whispered, “Rich girls,” and kept eating. I couldn’t help staring at them eating eggs, bacon, and toast with large glasses of milk. They didn’t have tin cups or enamel plates but fine china. How lucky they were that I was at a safe distance, or I would have grabbed their food at the risk of punishment.

  Ava later explained about the rich girls whose parents were people in high governmental positions paying an exuberant price for their schooling. They received care packages almost every other week with supplies and snacks.

  The sunken cupboard in Mother Doris’s room was standing open now, displaying all kinds of wonderful treats of candy, bubble gum, and cookies. Each container had the rich girl’s number on it, and she was allowed to pick one or two items for the day. With my eyes focused on the life of the rich and famous, I could still hear Ava telling me that we were charity cases, as all our mum could afford was the school fees. We were to be very grateful that we received our uniforms and food free. I walked back to my bed and locker and started tidying up for inspection. Mother Doris was due to walk along each row of beds and open lockers while we waited for her approval before leaving for school.

  ***

  I found Vicky and Nick clinging to each side of my arms with huge sighs as though they had held their breath all through the story. Vicky began by patting my hand and saying, “Oh, Nana, how awful. Was Mina OK, and did you get rid of the frogs?”

  “Not right away, Vicky, but I did help her have fewer accidents, which meant less time spent with them.”

  Nick hugged me closer and remarked, “You were so brave, Nana. This is turning into quite an adventure. I really don’t like that Mother Doris. She sounds so evil.”

  “Well, we are almost home,” said Becky, “so let’s wait till we are inside and cleaned up before we continue.”

  “Nana!” yelled Vicky from the bathroom later that night. “Don’t start without me!” I went up to the bathroom door and told her that the story would wait till we are all back in the living room, cleaned up, and in pajamas. Becky, in the meantime, stuck a pizza into the oven for dinner and organized some bean bags in front of the couch. It looked lik
e we were in for a long night of adventure.

  Now that we were all gathered in the living room with dinner out of the way, the kids had their pillows to snuggle with while sinking into their bean bags. Becky sat next to me on the couch. I then explained, “We are going to meet a real guardian angel named Anna, and I know you will all love her as much as I do.”

  Nick wondered if I could see the angel, or was it a spirit, like a ghost? “No, no, she was a real person,” I said. “Is everyone ready to hear about Anna?” I got some enthusiastic nods, so I continued.

  Discovering Anna

  Chapter 4

  The din outside the dormitory increased as the day scholars started arriving. They did not have to talk in hushed tones since they were not under the same rules as the boarders. I had no uniform for my first day of school, so Mother Doris handed me to another nun, who escorted me to the uniform room. A woman about forty years old sat at her sewing machine pumping the iron peddles, not looking up to see us enter. I realized then that the convent had other people working there, not just nuns. She finally stopped and glanced over her glasses, sizing me up for a fit. She got up, went into another room, and came back with a navy blue pinafore with wide pleats that went from below the square neckline to the hem. It had a light blue sash for a belt and a white short-sleeved blouse. I was told to put it on while she pinched the waist here and there. She felt the length past my knees, almost to my ankles, and said, “Perfect fit.”

  I looked at her and frowned, because I felt like a lost potato in a very large empty sack, and I told her so. The nun lovingly tapped me on the head and smiled, saying, “It’s only for today, Tess. Anna will sew you a set of uniforms. Come back here after school to pick them up, understand?” I nodded and walked away with the nun as I tightened the sash to raise the uniform length, all the while still looking back at Anna with pleading eyes to get her attention and ask her to do better with my uniforms. Anna resumed her sewing but looked up over her glasses at me with a smirk.